What Is Abuse?
by Dr. Sam Vaknin
[Abuse Main Directory]
Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate,
There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating
someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be
brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless – is to abuse.
To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore – are all
modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously.
They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
There are three important categories of abuse:
The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying,
berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously
discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.
Covert or Controlling Abuse
Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction
to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's
identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment – human and physical.
The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote
potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid
to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue
their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" – another form of control.
To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal,
assimilated, objects – not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other
– is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something
is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him,
are internal representations.
To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements
in the abuser's mind – being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind).
Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts... Nightmarish!
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts
to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:
Unpredictability and Uncertainty
The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This
serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst,
denial, or smile.
The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element
in the lives of his nearest and dearest – by shattering the rest of their world through
his seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives – by
destabilizing their own.
Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions
and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality
of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives
to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however
gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need
This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily
applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source
of "justice" meted and judgment passed – on the abuser –
are thus guaranteed.
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of
his own medicine.
Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others.
By dehumanizing and objectifying people – the abuser attacks the very foundations of human
interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of fully
formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric –
that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable
to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They
are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement
officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.
Abuse of Information
From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the
prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able
he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information
he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly
specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or
his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates
his own indispensability.
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than
Control by Proxy
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the
authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince,
harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control
his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted
upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation,
opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate
to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open.
Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability,
unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control.
Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".
In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth
and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders
himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally
deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.
You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.
Read about numerous other tactics and stratagems of abuse –
Open Site Encyclopaedia - Family Violence
Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term abuse:
verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.
It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide,
teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health
Most abusers and batterers are males – but a significant
minority are women. This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the carpet for generations and only recently
has it come to public awareness. Yet, even today, society – for instance, through the court
and the mental health systems – largely ignores domestic violence and abuse in the family. This
induces feelings of shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.
Violence in the family is mostly spousal – one spouse
beating, raping, or otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children are also and often victims –
either directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial groups include the elderly and the disabled.
Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and economic
strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers
and rural folk. It is a universal phenomenon.
Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com
) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served
as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International
(UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory
Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.